Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
English Jokes
(This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie).
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
Submitted by Rick Bell
=============================================
There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
=============================================
Right and Wrong
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
=============================================
Classic, Short English Jokes
Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir.
They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.
'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.
=============================================
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
=============================================
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
=============================================
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
=============================================
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
=============================================
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
=============================================
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
=============================================
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
=============================================
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
=============================================
Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
=============================================
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
=============================================
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)